who told you,....

you grip me tightly at arms length, and look me softly in the eyes. A kid like you could smite me.

Just when I thought I was impenetrable, you cut me deep. No fear of repercussions.

you know there are none, i love to bleed, hold me close, you make me wait.

I'll gasp in ecstasy at your power to abstain, make me St. Theresa , be the light that washes over me.

I never did believe in God.

Theres only the rush, of someone who would tear you to pieces.

I'll never learn my lesson.

It was then that i realized,....

The difference between him and you.

The first day I broke his heart we were driving in my car talking, his eyes full of tears as he begged me, please baby, please don't do this to us. It's the way your bangs fall in your perfect eyes, I love you too much to watch you leave. He kept me then, he keeps me now.

Another suitor still here despite all odds, the other person who knows me inside and out, the good, the bad, the terrible, the unforgivable. He forgives me.

Hes the one who's waited the longest, i teased him for thinking he knew me. Seven years later I think I'm ready to believe him.

Today he made me cry, I would give so much to relive one day, to bring both of us back, to enjoy what we had then for just one more day knowing what we know now. Everyone said we were fools, that I was too good for you.

So now we wait, but I'm almost ready to come home again. Believe me, I will come home again.

-A

It's not an active desire to die.

But that scary place in between, when you realize suddenly you're no longer afraid. You don't care.

Between the drugs and disappointments what's left to look forward to?
After you finally realize you will probably never have anyone to come home to, no one who completes you. Everything is either out of my reach or comes too easy. I said make a plan to love me,....

but i'm still here all alone; and what a selfish preoccupation- looking for your partner in crime.
All those men who thought they loved you, loved pieces of you.
That is except for the ones who got away- sometimes we still talk, and I both smile and cry for my loss.

Everything I have I did to myself, it was inevitable really. This cant be the end of the road at 20,

But love i'm so so so tired, and theres still so much expected of me.
Theres nothing to do now but wait.

-A

(This is my big 1-2 Fuck You)

I remember this feeling- its quite the cosmic fucking tug. Rarely can things please me when I'm in this state. Most things make me furious.

How fucking dare you loudly munch that muffin in my ear BITCH! All you're doing is eating, reasonable. But I am not a reasonable lady on this day. Nor am I inclined to feel any shame for my possibly reprehensible behavior.

Hold your tongue WITCH....
  or you may be called a B-B-B-BITCH!

But once again, no fucking secret here, thats my DESIRE.
It's an easier solution than pretending I have any faith in your left. Any faith that any of you could or would understand my hidden heart. So I spit on you instead.
            What a balanced alternative.
                        You could never read any of my subtext,
                        But thats the big kicker.... this has really only been context.
                                              And
                                              you
                                              still
                                              don't
                                              fucking get it
                                                      assholes.


-A

Come, in Closer.

How,.... oh baby I thought you were the one that really got away. But here we are again playing this game of inebriated tag. Why did you come back here? You knew me and loved me as a child,... a kitten. You gave me all the time I needed to grow and I walked away from you.... but then again what was it you said to me that summer? We're like magnets, inevitably at some point we would end up connecting again. But you know what I am, you know who I've become. I thought you were the smart one.
But here I am proudly charading under the guise of a black bunny. Oh so harmless and demure, totally whimsical.  What kind of person jumps at the chance to wear the skin of a harmless, thoughtless, animal. Only someone with something to hide.
You know whats behind this soft mask, that theres a monster in here. That this smile could tear your fucking heart out.
But its true, you're magnetic too. Would you be prepared to open that door again? Hmm my forever friendly face? Is that what you're hoping for?
or maybe you wake up tomorrow wishing you hadn't opened your big mouth.

-A

The Stages of Greif

I'm not grieving, I refuse to grieve for HIM. He resents me for being cold,.... for leaving him.

But what could he have expected from me? This young monster, who starved her beast for him. I locked parts of myself away in secret chambers of myself to shield him from some truths he could not love me for. Truths that would hurt him, so completely. Shame on me for my compassion, shame on me for thinking you could tame me.

Your mother warned me," Don't ever go back..... You will kill him." I never had any intention of even looking back. There was nothing left for me to take.

If only his mother had wise words for him too, something to sooth his wounded ego. He came to the jungle to hunt a tiger, with a shoelace. What did he think would happen, I can only play for so long my once love.

You are simply one among many, don't you forget that baby. There was only ever so much for me to give, you deserved no more from me. I am in no way obligated to lie for you anymore. To give you the mercy of Lies.

I would have shown you Mercy. You think you don't need it.

But I'm leaving you alone in this desert, and I am never coming back.
You're so lucky I didn't just rip your heart out and devour it before your eyes as you took your last gasping breath. Take whatever dignity you have left and start walking my lost love.

-A

We both had regrets

 I keep something for every good man who ever Loved me. Little reminders of tender moments in time, I've always been a sucker for Nostalgia.

I'm sure you noticed when I wore that necklace for years on end, and always that ring. Now some of those things are lost or put aside, but I suppose I also can't be enamored forever. You already knew that.

I'm scared of being left alone forever, no gifts to give but pain.

Once is an accident, Twice coincidence,.... Five,....is possibly damnable.

-A