who told you,....

you grip me tightly at arms length, and look me softly in the eyes. A kid like you could smite me.

Just when I thought I was impenetrable, you cut me deep. No fear of repercussions.

you know there are none, i love to bleed, hold me close, you make me wait.

I'll gasp in ecstasy at your power to abstain, make me St. Theresa , be the light that washes over me.

I never did believe in God.

Theres only the rush, of someone who would tear you to pieces.

I'll never learn my lesson.

It was then that i realized,....

The difference between him and you.

The first day I broke his heart we were driving in my car talking, his eyes full of tears as he begged me, please baby, please don't do this to us. It's the way your bangs fall in your perfect eyes, I love you too much to watch you leave. He kept me then, he keeps me now.

Another suitor still here despite all odds, the other person who knows me inside and out, the good, the bad, the terrible, the unforgivable. He forgives me.

Hes the one who's waited the longest, i teased him for thinking he knew me. Seven years later I think I'm ready to believe him.

Today he made me cry, I would give so much to relive one day, to bring both of us back, to enjoy what we had then for just one more day knowing what we know now. Everyone said we were fools, that I was too good for you.

So now we wait, but I'm almost ready to come home again. Believe me, I will come home again.

-A

It's not an active desire to die.

But that scary place in between, when you realize suddenly you're no longer afraid. You don't care.

Between the drugs and disappointments what's left to look forward to?
After you finally realize you will probably never have anyone to come home to, no one who completes you. Everything is either out of my reach or comes too easy. I said make a plan to love me,....

but i'm still here all alone; and what a selfish preoccupation- looking for your partner in crime.
All those men who thought they loved you, loved pieces of you.
That is except for the ones who got away- sometimes we still talk, and I both smile and cry for my loss.

Everything I have I did to myself, it was inevitable really. This cant be the end of the road at 20,

But love i'm so so so tired, and theres still so much expected of me.
Theres nothing to do now but wait.

-A

(This is my big 1-2 Fuck You)

I remember this feeling- its quite the cosmic fucking tug. Rarely can things please me when I'm in this state. Most things make me furious.

How fucking dare you loudly munch that muffin in my ear BITCH! All you're doing is eating, reasonable. But I am not a reasonable lady on this day. Nor am I inclined to feel any shame for my possibly reprehensible behavior.

Hold your tongue WITCH....
  or you may be called a B-B-B-BITCH!

But once again, no fucking secret here, thats my DESIRE.
It's an easier solution than pretending I have any faith in your left. Any faith that any of you could or would understand my hidden heart. So I spit on you instead.
            What a balanced alternative.
                        You could never read any of my subtext,
                        But thats the big kicker.... this has really only been context.
                                              And
                                              you
                                              still
                                              don't
                                              fucking get it
                                                      assholes.


-A

Come, in Closer.

How,.... oh baby I thought you were the one that really got away. But here we are again playing this game of inebriated tag. Why did you come back here? You knew me and loved me as a child,... a kitten. You gave me all the time I needed to grow and I walked away from you.... but then again what was it you said to me that summer? We're like magnets, inevitably at some point we would end up connecting again. But you know what I am, you know who I've become. I thought you were the smart one.
But here I am proudly charading under the guise of a black bunny. Oh so harmless and demure, totally whimsical.  What kind of person jumps at the chance to wear the skin of a harmless, thoughtless, animal. Only someone with something to hide.
You know whats behind this soft mask, that theres a monster in here. That this smile could tear your fucking heart out.
But its true, you're magnetic too. Would you be prepared to open that door again? Hmm my forever friendly face? Is that what you're hoping for?
or maybe you wake up tomorrow wishing you hadn't opened your big mouth.

-A

The Stages of Greif

I'm not grieving, I refuse to grieve for HIM. He resents me for being cold,.... for leaving him.

But what could he have expected from me? This young monster, who starved her beast for him. I locked parts of myself away in secret chambers of myself to shield him from some truths he could not love me for. Truths that would hurt him, so completely. Shame on me for my compassion, shame on me for thinking you could tame me.

Your mother warned me," Don't ever go back..... You will kill him." I never had any intention of even looking back. There was nothing left for me to take.

If only his mother had wise words for him too, something to sooth his wounded ego. He came to the jungle to hunt a tiger, with a shoelace. What did he think would happen, I can only play for so long my once love.

You are simply one among many, don't you forget that baby. There was only ever so much for me to give, you deserved no more from me. I am in no way obligated to lie for you anymore. To give you the mercy of Lies.

I would have shown you Mercy. You think you don't need it.

But I'm leaving you alone in this desert, and I am never coming back.
You're so lucky I didn't just rip your heart out and devour it before your eyes as you took your last gasping breath. Take whatever dignity you have left and start walking my lost love.

-A

We both had regrets

 I keep something for every good man who ever Loved me. Little reminders of tender moments in time, I've always been a sucker for Nostalgia.

I'm sure you noticed when I wore that necklace for years on end, and always that ring. Now some of those things are lost or put aside, but I suppose I also can't be enamored forever. You already knew that.

I'm scared of being left alone forever, no gifts to give but pain.

Once is an accident, Twice coincidence,.... Five,....is possibly damnable.

-A

Clouds, my judgment.

There should be no sin in taking from the earth what has been provided. In this land of death what else could be asked of me but to tread proudly and participate in the world as much or little as satisfies me. Perhaps someone in your position might feel shamed by this lavish and selfish lifestyle,....But it was you yourself who first made me understand. You planted the seeds of doubt to grow, and despite all odds and tribulations returned again into my life, to monitor their progress.

Of coarse this was inside me to begin with, the potential for such destruction. You saw straight into my heart, saw me as the wolf i would become. You took my hand and pulled me close.... your thumb tries to push the soft wool back to reveal the silver coat beneath. But there is no give at your command. It seemed I rarely failed to surprise you in some way or another.

And more than anything else we do love the possibility of novelty. A toy of some sort, outside the ordinary enough to distract us, give us something to wrap our heads around before we eat you whole.

Sometimes I pretend that person isn't a part of me. Maybe she would run away like a puppy through an open fence. But she loves me, and she knows me, and she is so much of the strength inside of me.

We have no Love, only all the Understanding in the universe.
Insight into the one thing that could end all of this.

-A

Don't make me beg you

I know that i'm doing well. I understand much, I've learned to see. But I don't understand everything, how to accept what I want, how to keep wanting what I wanted. How to not spoil anything that makes me the least bit uneasy. These obsessive thoughts plague me, manifest as a lump of lead in my belly- poisoning me slowly. Please let these cigarettes kill me first....

I don't know how to contend with the things I never had control over. The lingering voice of my mother, the scared voice of the small person I used to be long before any of this started. I put her behind me but I don't know how to cut her out of me.

I don't know any other monsters, i'm so unaccustomed to them. I always thought that maybe we were like vampires, naturally we just distanced ourselves from each other. And naturally that always made me want to seek one out, but I only know you, and you found me.

Sometimes its devastating to know that as far as I've come I'm still so young and small. Sometimes I seem big in comparison, but really thats just looking at things out of context.

-A

How to break a heart

People like us, I don't think we really understand the concept of mercy. We pray that someday someone will come into our lives like a ray of light, here to cleanse us of our sins. The person who can tame us, contain us, envelop and grow with us. More than anything we are hungry for this deliverance.
Our bodies serve as the temples to our grand Egos. Lush fruit and wine are laid out in extravagant displays in a world made of velvet and gold. But we only exists here as ghosts. We keep those doors locked, the key buried so deep in our hearts to get it might also mean killing us.

I want to believe it's worth dieing for. A single moment in time when you really know you're not alone.

But not all of us want to believe anything.

-A

a little on monsters

    My version of the world is tainted. I call it wonderland because once upon a time I found a trapped confused boy here with me and he called it wonderland. I know this is my fantasy but its alive, an active part of the world. Its my interpretation of the world. Wonderland is a jungle, fierce and dark and deep. Despite the fact that he didn't come from wonderland he was powerful within it, a young monster. He found me by coincidence, at this point in my life i was still wandering blind. I had dreams of becoming immortal. He believed i might be right.

     A young girl who wished she was sick, anything to explain this troublesome brain. The sick were all around, but somehow by some charm no harm would ever come to her. I think he saw that, he believed in that. I was just passed being self-destructive but i was so consumed. Our coincidental meeting and early flirtations, everything seemed like it was made of dreams, that would eventually burn both us and all those around us. 

     He spoke to me softly, in prose.Such a quiet creature , infallibly romantic. Despite this he was never a poet but a scientist, someone else got to his heart long before we met each other. This never stopped him from cultivating soft sultry sentences. He knows what to say to a woman, how to control her, dominate her. He was a monster of sex, but i didn't know that yet. Like he didn't know that ultimately that would be the thing he would lose me over. I was an untouchable entity, a ray of intriguing clarity that he could never own, could never touch. I was an emotional creature, advanced for my age but devastatingly irrational. I constantly wondered where i fit in and i saw answers in him. We suffered the same madness, I could feel the tangible bubble we existed in together for a while, the air was always overwhelmingly charged like there was a thunderstorm brewing in the distance. I truly believed that I hadn't fallen into wonderland, this had to be my home. I wanted to understand it, walk the jungle fearlessly but what was I? Not Alice, I wasn't anyone of any real consequence. I knew that was impossible, but I also knew that over time I could be that powerful force. I do not believe, that i fully understood the consequences of that decision. What you throw to the fire in the name of your own Ego. It's been so many years since we first met, but with the passing of time he has had a seemingly tenacious presence in my life. Maybe its a dual fascination, companionship in the wild, a strange act of kindness. He serves as a distant mentor, but often i wonder to who's benefit.

-A

   

How do we know what stories we should never tell?

mel·an·chol·y

   [mel-uhn-kol-ee]  Show IPAnoun, plural -chol·ies, adjective

–noun

1.

a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual orprolonged; depression.

2.

sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

3.

Archaic .

a.

the condition of having too much black bile, consideredin ancient and medieval medicine to cause gloominessand depression.

b.

black bile.

–adjective

4.

affected with, characterized by, or showing melancholy;mournful; depressed: a melancholy mood.

5.

causing melancholy or sadness; saddening: a melancholyoccasion.

6.

soberly thoughtful; pensive.

            I want to make the most beautiful thing in the world. Something too utterly heart wrenching, beautiful and meaningless. A reminder that things happen and magic exists and there are predators, and people break, and people die. There is no reason and the logic is simple- we will all die. The Melancholy is a state of mind, as much as it is a place, and a feeling. The calm sadness, the all to sober realization that you feel alone. It comes in waves, the smell of fresh earth, a shiver down you spine, the moment you realize you've fallen out of love.

          I don't know whether to call this a story, a journey, or an explanation. Maybe it qualifies as all of those things. This book is dedicated to the person who suffers this madness with me.


-A