We both had regrets

 I keep something for every good man who ever Loved me. Little reminders of tender moments in time, I've always been a sucker for Nostalgia.

I'm sure you noticed when I wore that necklace for years on end, and always that ring. Now some of those things are lost or put aside, but I suppose I also can't be enamored forever. You already knew that.

I'm scared of being left alone forever, no gifts to give but pain.

Once is an accident, Twice coincidence,.... Five,....is possibly damnable.

-A

Clouds, my judgment.

There should be no sin in taking from the earth what has been provided. In this land of death what else could be asked of me but to tread proudly and participate in the world as much or little as satisfies me. Perhaps someone in your position might feel shamed by this lavish and selfish lifestyle,....But it was you yourself who first made me understand. You planted the seeds of doubt to grow, and despite all odds and tribulations returned again into my life, to monitor their progress.

Of coarse this was inside me to begin with, the potential for such destruction. You saw straight into my heart, saw me as the wolf i would become. You took my hand and pulled me close.... your thumb tries to push the soft wool back to reveal the silver coat beneath. But there is no give at your command. It seemed I rarely failed to surprise you in some way or another.

And more than anything else we do love the possibility of novelty. A toy of some sort, outside the ordinary enough to distract us, give us something to wrap our heads around before we eat you whole.

Sometimes I pretend that person isn't a part of me. Maybe she would run away like a puppy through an open fence. But she loves me, and she knows me, and she is so much of the strength inside of me.

We have no Love, only all the Understanding in the universe.
Insight into the one thing that could end all of this.

-A

Don't make me beg you

I know that i'm doing well. I understand much, I've learned to see. But I don't understand everything, how to accept what I want, how to keep wanting what I wanted. How to not spoil anything that makes me the least bit uneasy. These obsessive thoughts plague me, manifest as a lump of lead in my belly- poisoning me slowly. Please let these cigarettes kill me first....

I don't know how to contend with the things I never had control over. The lingering voice of my mother, the scared voice of the small person I used to be long before any of this started. I put her behind me but I don't know how to cut her out of me.

I don't know any other monsters, i'm so unaccustomed to them. I always thought that maybe we were like vampires, naturally we just distanced ourselves from each other. And naturally that always made me want to seek one out, but I only know you, and you found me.

Sometimes its devastating to know that as far as I've come I'm still so young and small. Sometimes I seem big in comparison, but really thats just looking at things out of context.

-A

How to break a heart

People like us, I don't think we really understand the concept of mercy. We pray that someday someone will come into our lives like a ray of light, here to cleanse us of our sins. The person who can tame us, contain us, envelop and grow with us. More than anything we are hungry for this deliverance.
Our bodies serve as the temples to our grand Egos. Lush fruit and wine are laid out in extravagant displays in a world made of velvet and gold. But we only exists here as ghosts. We keep those doors locked, the key buried so deep in our hearts to get it might also mean killing us.

I want to believe it's worth dieing for. A single moment in time when you really know you're not alone.

But not all of us want to believe anything.

-A

a little on monsters

    My version of the world is tainted. I call it wonderland because once upon a time I found a trapped confused boy here with me and he called it wonderland. I know this is my fantasy but its alive, an active part of the world. Its my interpretation of the world. Wonderland is a jungle, fierce and dark and deep. Despite the fact that he didn't come from wonderland he was powerful within it, a young monster. He found me by coincidence, at this point in my life i was still wandering blind. I had dreams of becoming immortal. He believed i might be right.

     A young girl who wished she was sick, anything to explain this troublesome brain. The sick were all around, but somehow by some charm no harm would ever come to her. I think he saw that, he believed in that. I was just passed being self-destructive but i was so consumed. Our coincidental meeting and early flirtations, everything seemed like it was made of dreams, that would eventually burn both us and all those around us. 

     He spoke to me softly, in prose.Such a quiet creature , infallibly romantic. Despite this he was never a poet but a scientist, someone else got to his heart long before we met each other. This never stopped him from cultivating soft sultry sentences. He knows what to say to a woman, how to control her, dominate her. He was a monster of sex, but i didn't know that yet. Like he didn't know that ultimately that would be the thing he would lose me over. I was an untouchable entity, a ray of intriguing clarity that he could never own, could never touch. I was an emotional creature, advanced for my age but devastatingly irrational. I constantly wondered where i fit in and i saw answers in him. We suffered the same madness, I could feel the tangible bubble we existed in together for a while, the air was always overwhelmingly charged like there was a thunderstorm brewing in the distance. I truly believed that I hadn't fallen into wonderland, this had to be my home. I wanted to understand it, walk the jungle fearlessly but what was I? Not Alice, I wasn't anyone of any real consequence. I knew that was impossible, but I also knew that over time I could be that powerful force. I do not believe, that i fully understood the consequences of that decision. What you throw to the fire in the name of your own Ego. It's been so many years since we first met, but with the passing of time he has had a seemingly tenacious presence in my life. Maybe its a dual fascination, companionship in the wild, a strange act of kindness. He serves as a distant mentor, but often i wonder to who's benefit.

-A

   

How do we know what stories we should never tell?

mel·an·chol·y

   [mel-uhn-kol-ee]  Show IPAnoun, plural -chol·ies, adjective

–noun

1.

a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual orprolonged; depression.

2.

sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

3.

Archaic .

a.

the condition of having too much black bile, consideredin ancient and medieval medicine to cause gloominessand depression.

b.

black bile.

–adjective

4.

affected with, characterized by, or showing melancholy;mournful; depressed: a melancholy mood.

5.

causing melancholy or sadness; saddening: a melancholyoccasion.

6.

soberly thoughtful; pensive.

            I want to make the most beautiful thing in the world. Something too utterly heart wrenching, beautiful and meaningless. A reminder that things happen and magic exists and there are predators, and people break, and people die. There is no reason and the logic is simple- we will all die. The Melancholy is a state of mind, as much as it is a place, and a feeling. The calm sadness, the all to sober realization that you feel alone. It comes in waves, the smell of fresh earth, a shiver down you spine, the moment you realize you've fallen out of love.

          I don't know whether to call this a story, a journey, or an explanation. Maybe it qualifies as all of those things. This book is dedicated to the person who suffers this madness with me.


-A