I know that i'm doing well. I understand much, I've learned to see. But I don't understand everything, how to accept what I want, how to keep wanting what I wanted. How to not spoil anything that makes me the least bit uneasy. These obsessive thoughts plague me, manifest as a lump of lead in my belly- poisoning me slowly. Please let these cigarettes kill me first....
I don't know how to contend with the things I never had control over. The lingering voice of my mother, the scared voice of the small person I used to be long before any of this started. I put her behind me but I don't know how to cut her out of me.
I don't know any other monsters, i'm so unaccustomed to them. I always thought that maybe we were like vampires, naturally we just distanced ourselves from each other. And naturally that always made me want to seek one out, but I only know you, and you found me.
Sometimes its devastating to know that as far as I've come I'm still so young and small. Sometimes I seem big in comparison, but really thats just looking at things out of context.
-A
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