a little on monsters

    My version of the world is tainted. I call it wonderland because once upon a time I found a trapped confused boy here with me and he called it wonderland. I know this is my fantasy but its alive, an active part of the world. Its my interpretation of the world. Wonderland is a jungle, fierce and dark and deep. Despite the fact that he didn't come from wonderland he was powerful within it, a young monster. He found me by coincidence, at this point in my life i was still wandering blind. I had dreams of becoming immortal. He believed i might be right.

     A young girl who wished she was sick, anything to explain this troublesome brain. The sick were all around, but somehow by some charm no harm would ever come to her. I think he saw that, he believed in that. I was just passed being self-destructive but i was so consumed. Our coincidental meeting and early flirtations, everything seemed like it was made of dreams, that would eventually burn both us and all those around us. 

     He spoke to me softly, in prose.Such a quiet creature , infallibly romantic. Despite this he was never a poet but a scientist, someone else got to his heart long before we met each other. This never stopped him from cultivating soft sultry sentences. He knows what to say to a woman, how to control her, dominate her. He was a monster of sex, but i didn't know that yet. Like he didn't know that ultimately that would be the thing he would lose me over. I was an untouchable entity, a ray of intriguing clarity that he could never own, could never touch. I was an emotional creature, advanced for my age but devastatingly irrational. I constantly wondered where i fit in and i saw answers in him. We suffered the same madness, I could feel the tangible bubble we existed in together for a while, the air was always overwhelmingly charged like there was a thunderstorm brewing in the distance. I truly believed that I hadn't fallen into wonderland, this had to be my home. I wanted to understand it, walk the jungle fearlessly but what was I? Not Alice, I wasn't anyone of any real consequence. I knew that was impossible, but I also knew that over time I could be that powerful force. I do not believe, that i fully understood the consequences of that decision. What you throw to the fire in the name of your own Ego. It's been so many years since we first met, but with the passing of time he has had a seemingly tenacious presence in my life. Maybe its a dual fascination, companionship in the wild, a strange act of kindness. He serves as a distant mentor, but often i wonder to who's benefit.

-A